I am such a headache to myself. Yep. I create my own trouble. And fortunately, I am good in keeping it sealed tightly under my tongue. And... well... I think my head is about to explode anyway after decades of going on with my life as if it is a walk in the park. I love my life. I really do. I always tell myself to think positive because I am tired of living in misery. It is so not healthy to be depressed all the time so I have to look at things in a positive manner. I have long quit fighting fate.
Once, I even hate myself, hate the whole world because I thought that everything wasn't fair. I used to thought that I was being bullied. By fate. No, it doesn't sound pathetic to me because I know that somewhere along the way, each and every one of us must've cross that path where life is just not what we expected it to be. I learn to deal with it. I learn to accept. I learn to be grateful. And yes, it is working like a charm. I must say that I feel different now than what I felt during my younger days. It wasn't exactly dark, but it was depressing.
Good isn't it? Great actually. Once you open up, you will see the world from different perspective. Me? I met a lot of people outside the circle of my environment. Mostly guys. Let me tell you something else. I am not very used to the male species. I felt awkward in their presence. Seriously. But that changed soon. I was juggling guys soon enough. Left, right... it was crazy. My sis even called me 'Playgirl' once. Me, a non-looker girl, a playgirl? Hard to believe. But come to think of it now... I was out of my mind. In the process of finding myself (I believe so), I managed to break few hearts. I walked away, just like that. No reason, no nothing. Just plain old goodbye. Sometimes, there wasn't even a goodbye.
Recently, it happened again. And this time, I manage to hurt myself as well. How did it happen? How come I never learn? It is OK that my heart breaks, I will survive... but to break one fragile heart? Mean is my middle name. Or is it cold and heartless? Well... you know what they say... don't play with fire. A person ask me if I ever regret doing all the thing I've done and I told him "I do not live to regret." I do. No, I'm not being smug whatsoever. It's just that... I accept all of this as part and parcel of life. My life.