Tuesday, September 05, 2006

my life...

I am such a headache to myself. Yep. I create my own trouble. And fortunately, I am good in keeping it sealed tightly under my tongue. And... well... I think my head is about to explode anyway after decades of going on with my life as if it is a walk in the park. I love my life. I really do. I always tell myself to think positive because I am tired of living in misery. It is so not healthy to be depressed all the time so I have to look at things in a positive manner. I have long quit fighting fate.

Once, I even hate myself, hate the whole world because I thought that everything wasn't fair. I used to thought that I was being bullied. By fate. No, it doesn't sound pathetic to me because I know that somewhere along the way, each and every one of us must've cross that path where life is just not what we expected it to be. I learn to deal with it. I learn to accept. I learn to be grateful. And yes, it is working like a charm. I must say that I feel different now than what I felt during my younger days. It wasn't exactly dark, but it was depressing.

Good isn't it? Great actually. Once you open up, you will see the world from different perspective. Me? I met a lot of people outside the circle of my environment. Mostly guys. Let me tell you something else. I am not very used to the male species. I felt awkward in their presence. Seriously. But that changed soon. I was juggling guys soon enough. Left, right... it was crazy. My sis even called me 'Playgirl' once. Me, a non-looker girl, a playgirl? Hard to believe. But come to think of it now... I was out of my mind. In the process of finding myself (I believe so), I managed to break few hearts. I walked away, just like that. No reason, no nothing. Just plain old goodbye. Sometimes, there wasn't even a goodbye.

Recently, it happened again. And this time, I manage to hurt myself as well. How did it happen? How come I never learn? It is OK that my heart breaks, I will survive... but to break one fragile heart? Mean is my middle name. Or is it cold and heartless? Well... you know what they say... don't play with fire. A person ask me if I ever regret doing all the thing I've done and I told him "I do not live to regret." I do. No, I'm not being smug whatsoever. It's just that... I accept all of this as part and parcel of life. My life.


  1. hey, good to hear [read] you again :-)

    I truly think that a lot of the meaning of life is for us to find out who we are - and the only way to really do that is to experience all sorts of ups and downs, see how we act/react to them, step back and anaylse/understand why we did what we did / feel what we feel, learn from it, and move on. Dwelling on the past, immersing ourselves in guilt, etc etc etc is of no true value to us.

    and a big part of the emotional roller coaster that provides a lot of opportunities for self-understanding is relationships with the other/preferred sex. Heck, I myself, when I was "free from parents/society's control" while studying in the u.s., I certainly did some really stupid stuff - earlier in my life I'd cringe and shy away from thinking about my past... but as I matured, I have been able to look back and try to understand what happened, and why, and what that says about me,,, if I like what it means, then great,,, and if I don't likewhat it implies, then I work on changing/addressing it.

    Unfortunately I think waaaaay too many people are caught up in the rat race and seeking material wealth, ver few are taking the time out for self-reflection. Yet this is vital to our sanity.

    at least, i think so lah :-)

  2. hey lynne...
    feels good to be back as well. been a lil busy lately but that will end next week (hurray!!)

    as i go through your comment, i find myself doing a lil self-reflection...been doing some lately and i have to say i learnt a lot from everything i've been through.

    from this particular experience, i learn to be cautious. i think i got a wee bit excited at the prospect of having the extra attention from the other sex. after some times, i came to realize that some of them can be reaaaallly stupid and not worth a second of my time. wiser me now, i think.

    "Unfortunately I think waaaaay too many people are caught up in the rat race and seeking material wealth, ver few are taking the time out for self-reflection. Yet this is vital to our sanity."--definitely in agreement with u here--

  3. never knes you feel awkward around guys, because you seem to be so cool in every situation. but hey, you can't be perfect in anything you do!

    p/s:ummi, beli twenty times a lady-karyn bosnak ye!

  4. wow wani, did i really appear to be "so cool in every situation"?hehehe...it's not really appealing to show the awkwardness in front of other people dontcha think?

    p/s:err...i just bought "HP & half-blood prince" and one christie ridgway.forgot the title.


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