Thursday, March 26, 2015

bye bye love

Baru semalam, cakap pasal anak kucing. Baru semalam. I found out the gender as well. It's a girl.

And last night, she left us. She died in my own hands.

Little kitty in memory...

When we got home yesterday, we saw that she was already weak. Macam demam. Hidung berair, shallow breathing. Lepas Maghrib, terus cari vet, but unfortunately vet semua dah tutup. Went home, tried to keep her comfortable and warm. Susu tak nak minum langsung. But she kept making this very small and weak meowing sound. It broke my heart.

Around 11.00 p.m., I heard her meowing again. I picked her up gently, cooed for a while when I suddenly noticed that she wasn't moving anymore. Her breathing stopped. My little kitty, gone. I cried and cried and cried for a good 15 minutes before my husband took her away from my hands and brought her outside to bury her little body. His heart broke as well. We cried in silent for a little while more.

Rest well now, little one, rest well. We'll miss you.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

main mak-mak

Last 2 weeks (ke 3 weeks eh? Dah lupa), a cat gave birth somewhere on the roof of our house. Up in the ceiling, to be exact. How do we know? The noises, the little mews. Dah dia nak terberanak atas tu, nak buat macam mana, kan? So we let it be la even with the constant mews of the little kittens. Which cat yang beranak atas siling tu, I don't even know. We have few stray cats (or neighbor's cats) around the house area, so I can't really tell which of them gave birth.

Anyways, after 3 or 4 days, I noticed 1 little consistent mew. For 2 days and 2 nights, the mew never stop. Only 1 single mew, day and night. Alamak, I thought, the mother left her kitten or what? After 2 days of waiting, just in case the mother came back for that 1 little kitten, we (or rather the husband) decided to go up and check the ceiling.

When husband first got it out. It was a difficult rescue mission, for sure!

True enough, 1 ekor kitten sudah kena tinggal dengan mak dia. Kesian. Maybe the mother forgot? I don't know lah. We brought it down, lepas tu we kinda terpinga-pinga kejap. Eh, nak buat apa dengan anak kucing ni? It was so small, so little, so fragile, I was afraid that we might break the little poor thing. Tapi mengiau bukan main kuat lagi kau. I guess it was hungry. 2 hari kot dok mengiau atas siling tu. Nasib baik tak kena makan dek tikus ke musang ke apa.

So little, so fragile. But yet, frantically kicking every time we picked it up.

Because we were so clueless, tak terpikir pun nak google ke apa, we gave the little kitten susu yang dalam kotak tu. Logically, it must be hungry la kan. The lil one drank it anyway, through a small straw. Like I said, we were clueless. The rescue was done on a Thursday morning some more, nak pi kerja, tak boleh nak pikir sangat. We wrapped the kitten in a kain, put it in a box then we were off to work, all the time praying and hoping that the kitten will be safe.

At the office, barulah google everything up about newborn kitten. So I found out they cannot drink cow's milk sebab kittens cannot tolerate lactose. Dang. I didn't even check if the little kitten's body is cold to the touch. Dang again. I read up, shared with the husband. We were like excited parents kot. But I was worried the whole day. Anak kucing kecik je kot. What if dia tak survive? What if balik rumah je, dia dah mati? I could not bear the thoughts. Balik tu, we looked for a pet shop, found one and straight away bought a feeding bottle and formula milk (goat's milk) for kitten.

The botol and the susu. Susu is RM 25.20, botol is RM 7.90

Balik rumah, check, yay, it's still alive! Mengiau dengan sangat kuatnya siap. Little fella must be super duper hungry. So husband cleaned it up, I made the milk and tried to feed it. It was awkward at first. Awkward gila! I mean, kena pegang betul-betul to feed the kitten because it was moving frantically! Tak ke naya kalau susu masuk hidung karang? Nevertheless, we managed to feed the kitten. Barulah stop mengiau. Fuh, legaaaaaaa!

So after 2 @ 3 weeks taking care of the little kitten, I am happy to report that the little one is still pretty much alive and kicking and mengiau dengan kuat bila dia lapar. I had very little expectation at the beginning. A little kitten without the mother... I dunno if it is going to survive for long. But hey, it is still with us today! Minum susu makin banyak. Unfortunately, we had to leave it hari-hari bila pergi kerja. So that means no susu during the day. So sorry, kitty.

We're not certain of the gender of the kitten, yet. Husband said jantan, because he can see the balls (bahaha!). But I think the kitten is a still a little too small to tell now. We don't even have any specific name yet for the kitten! I just call it 'Kecik', but husband alternates between 'Leman' and 'Baby' at times. I just hope the kitten won't grow up with identity crisis. 

Takde gambar latest sebab susah nak ambik gambar dia. Tak duduk diam punya anak kucing ni! Problem now is, we'll be going to Langkawi early April for 3 days. We don't have anyone to jaga the kitten yet while we're away. Nak minta tolong Mama is impossible kot because it have to be fed manually. Adoi. Cemana ni?

Wednesday, March 18, 2015


No ice cream.
No chocolates.
No sodas.
No iced drinks. Or any sugary drinks.
No dairy. Which includes cheese, yogurt, butter and all that jazz.


Welcome to my life.

P/S: I want to write more, but I'm afraid I'll just rant mindlessly.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

online business

Nowadays, semua orang pun online business. Jual kek, jual kuih, cookies, baju, handbag, everything under the sun la pendek katanya. I can see that most businesses are doing pretty well. Ada je orang yang membeli. Pretty awesome, I think.

Mengingatkan pada kos hidup yang semakin meningkat dan nafsu yang membuak-buak, I had a conversation with the husband about online business.

"Jom kita buat online business nak?" I said to him one fine day.
"Nak business apa?"
"Hmmm..." the question was, undoubtedly harder than any examinations. Both of us went silent for a while, the wheels in our brain turning and turning around.
"Buat business barang hantaran!" suddenly the husband voiced out.
"Hah? Gila ke? Kita ni bukan orang berseni, orang kreatif nak buat barang hantaran!"

Yes, I thought it was a crazy idea. I do not have an iota of creative berseni blood in me. Nak pintal-pintal reben, nak matching this color to that color, nak gubah-gubah bunga... that's just so not me, really. The only color I know that will suit just about anything is black. The only gubahan barang hantaran I did was my sister's one. Itu pun barang dah ada. I just have to susun je bagi nampak cantik. That's about it.

Main susun sesedap rasa. Last minute job.

I think for now, we will stick to makan gaji as it is la kot. Both of us are not so rajin (yet) to get involved with other things such as online business. Kerja opis 9 to 5 aje pun balik rumah dah melepek macam kerja angkat guni beras 12 jam. Guane gitu? For now, let's just be grateful that we at least have income to live by.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

nightmare from the past

Bukan main drama swasta lagi tajuk post kau kannnn?

When I was a kid, my mother took this one of her relatives in to babysit us sisters. I don't remember my exact age, but it was sure a loooooong time ago. I was 5, 6 years old maybe. We called her as Mak Ngah Ton. Let me tell you this, she was scary as hell for me. Garang gila Mak Ngah Ton ni. That one thing, I remember until now dah tua bangka ni pun. Dia suka jegil biji mata dia, which was very scary yo. Dahlah memang mata dia jenis macam nak terkeluar je dari soket tu.

You would've thought that at my age right now (nearing 30), I'd be growing out of my fear of Mak Ngah Ton. Nope. Never. Whenever I see her around from miles away, I would try my very best to run away. As far as possible. Aku tak tahulah if my sisters have any recollection of her and kegarangan dia yang menakutkan tu, but me, I'll steer clear from her, thank you very much. Dahlah masa kecik dulu dia suka cubit-cubit aku. Every time I told Mama apa yang dia buat, I would get my punishment from her.

Recently, masa kenduri kahwin Suriany, Kak Ngah dengan selamba badaknya cakap Mak Ngah Ton cari aku. I was like "I'M NOT HERE, TELL HER!" But it's too late. She spotted me. I saw her and my heart constricted in fear. Irrational and stupid, I know. Nak buat macam mana. Trauma zaman kanak-kanak tak habis lagi. So I obediently went to her, salam cium tangan whatnot, sembang sikit-sikit while I was looking for a way out all the time. And then it came...

"Mai nombor telepon Kak Long. Mak Ngah nak simpan."

I swear, ketiak aku dah basah masa tu. Noooooo, nak buat apa nombor telepon? We don't have anything to talk about! I come back to kampung only once in a blue moon. I don't want to see you again, if I have my own way. Dalam hati memberontak, terpikir nak bagi nombor tipu.

"Miss call Mak Ngah," dia dah siap pegang tab kat tangan, looking at me very closely. Dammit, she can read my mind! Aku dah kata dah, dia ni menakutkan. With my mildly shaking hand, I dialed the number she's given to me. She smiled once my call went through. And then I found a way out (too little too late).

Aaaannnnddd she WhatsApp-ed me a day after that. At 2 in the morning! 2 fucking AM. What the heck? Tengok profile pic pun aku dah takut! I deleted her message and pretend like I never received it. She never contacted me again after that. Selamat aku.

Or so, I thought.

Last night I received a WhatsApp message from an unknown number. Tengok ada profile picture. I looked at the profile picture closely and just like that, I felt like the blood on my face drained away. If I was a man, my balls would shrivel to the size of peas, I tell you. It was her. It was Mak Ngah Ton. Dah apa kes pulak kau pakai nombor lain nak mesej aku? Pukul 11 malam pulak tu? What do you want from me!? Terganggu betul perasaan aku macam ni. I decided to block her number for good this time.

Bila fikir balik, I am being unreasonable and irrational. Orang tu mungkin nak mengeratkan silaturrahim je pun. But I just can't help it. Still rasa takut. Biarlah dia dah tua and now I'm bigger and taller than her pun. That niggling fear never went away. No matter how many years dah berlalu... T___T

Monday, January 12, 2015

ups, downs... the usual

When I was diagnosed with PCOS a month ago, the doc prescribed me with Metformin (pergi baca link sana, aku malas nak elaborate), to be taken twice daily after meal. Being my mother's daughter, I was kinda paranoid to take any kind of meds prescribed by the doc. So, naturally, I googled it up. And yeap, Metformin is the common med prescribed to ladies with PCOS. I'm taking this med diligently, every single day. And of course, my mother does not need to know about this. She's a bit funny when it comes to 'unnatural' meds.

The next thing I googled about Metformin is of the side effects. Boy oh boy, was I so unhappy to find about the side effects! Nausea, dizziness, sleepiness... How la am I going to function like this? The first few weeks of taking this med, I went through all sort of cobaan. I felt nauseous most of the time, which leads to me throwing up everything I ate. I felt sleepy all the time, at the office, at home. I went to bed as early as 9 a.m! Gila kau. I'm not the type to go to bed early (which is a very bad thing, really). It got so bad to the point I stopped taking it twice a day. I cut it down to once per day.

Slowly, my body adjusted to the med and I started to take it twice per day as per recommended. Sometimes, I still got nauseous, or dizzy. Sometimes I would have diarrhea (never fun). Sometimes I would throw up my food. I discovered that if I eat greasy or overly sweet food, I'd throw it all up. I can't even keep cheese in my stomach nowadays. So, yes, goodbye pizza :(((

By the way, went to the hospital last week and my weight went down for 1.1 kg! Yeay! Small, but very very significant to me. Even the doc said so. Every gram/kg is significant for PCOS patients because it will help to regulate the hormones. I have a very long way to go yet, bear in mind. Even I do not know what the outcome will be. I'm just trying very hard to stay positive. Mostly...

Emotionally? Well, I haven't had any breakdown yet. Except for that one time when I suddenly feel the urge to scream and break something. I wanted to have some sort of breakdown. But. I. Just. Can't. I feel like... I dunno lah. Even I myself is trying hard to figure myself out. I know for sure I'm not okay deep inside. But I just wanna be okay to the world. I don't even know what I'm trying to prove.

Man... look at the time now. Let's just leave it here, okay? I've revealed enough for now. Toodles!

Monday, January 05, 2015

wake up call

Early December 2014, I went for a check up with the O&G at PPUKM. And I received what I called the biggest wake up call ever in my life.

I was diagnosed with PCOS. Simply put, PCOS is a hormone-related problem (out-of-balance hormones). PCOS affects fertility, which means it will be harder for PCOS women to get pregnant. Not impossible, just a little bit more difficult than other normal women.

The doc gave me until March to lose some serious weight. Or I will have some other more serious problem in the future (which includes the probability of getting ovarian cancer). Even if I got pregnant with my current condition, it will be considered a high-risk pregnancy, the doc told me. I can get diabetes, high blood pressure or worse, heart attack. The risk of me getting a miscarriage is also high.

Truthfully, it was like a slap to my face. And my heart did break a little. And there's no one to be blamed except for myself.

Ah well... life has to go on anyway. I'm determined to change my way of life now. Eat and live healthily. Drink more water. All that jazz.

Let's see what 2015 will bring for me.