Friday, December 01, 2006

pandora box

For start, I don't even know if I should be posting about this on the blog... but perhaps, I just need some clarification, or better yet, some release to ease the numbing sensation inside of me. Some stories, truth or not, I guess is better left unsaid. But then again, I am stupid enough to get curiousity got the best of me, heedless of the warning bells clanging inside of my head.

I never really wish to revisit the past. For me, what done is done. There is no way I could change whatever happened in the past. But somehow, sometimes, I wish it could be different. For so many years I live with the fact that my father has another family, a family that he cherish more than mine. His loss. I never care about him anymore. At least, that is what I keep telling myself. And that is exactly what I want to believe.

And then, I was told something that I had never been told before. All the stories behind my father's marriage to another woman. It was truly unbelievable. It took quiet some times for me to digest all of it. I thought I knew enough. But now I know that it was only the surface. The past ran deep, so deep I do not know if I am courageous enough to discover the bottom. At least I am content with what I have right now.

The past is one thing. The present is another. And it makes wonder, what has happened to my father? How can he be so blind? Well... he has been blind for the past decade so I don't think he will open his eyes and mind anytime soon. And to think that he actually refuse to believe the truth, enough said I believe. Even if that woman were sleeping around with somebody else right under his nose he won't notice it because he is so freakin' sick he won't notice anything! He refused treatment from the hospital and opted for all those crappy traditional method (the bomoh and all). Damn foolish. And he is getting sicker and sicker everytime.

Should one day he is sick that he could not even lift his finger, what would the other woman do? Dump him on us? Would that open his eyes?

And that blasted dream! The dream of a perfect family. Nice though it was, I forced myself to wake up. Because life, is just not so perfect.

6 comments:

  1. Wow. You certainly have stuff on your mind/chest/heart, my sympathies to you.

    I typed a long long comment with tales of other "triangle" situations, but in the end I figured it doesn't add much value or comfort... just want to advise you to be thankful for what you do have [your mother, your siblings, and a real family even if it's missing the "patriarch"]...

    ... and remember that usually, harboring bad feelings and ill-will towards somebody does nothing except hurt you [not them!] and will only bring *you* down. By all means, experience the anger, disappointment, etc, but without letting it get to you or overwhelm you.

    so, count your blessings, and make the best out of what you have, k?

    hugggzzzzz!!

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  2. hey lynne...thank you very much for the advise. i've been thinking that i shouldn't dwell on this matter anymore. it is not in my power to change anything...yet. i'm just so glad and thankful that i have a mother who will never neglect her children. sometimes, things got too complicated but i guess i have to deal with it. i am suppose to be living my life, no? those hatred + whining will not help me in anyway that i want. so, here's to life!

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  3. i guess he's being sick and all is the 'balasan' from God from what he has done to your family. but dont keep the hatred to long ok dear. forgiveness is the least you could do to him.

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  4. yeah miumiu...forgiveness is the least i could do.it's been such a long time already and the best thing is to get on with my life. let God and time deal with everything else...

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  5. ..everything happen for a reason -blessing in disguise... sometimes when i hate someone esp the one i love - i listen to - Jangan ada benci - Casey - it somehow works...

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  6. hey neomesuff...i LOVE that song!

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Words could heal... or it could hurt or maybe, it won't bring any difference. Either way, just type away!