Tuesday, October 23, 2007

a letter for abah...

Asalammualaikum Abah...
I do not even know how am I suppose to start this letter. I wish it could be as easy as saying "How are you?". But... it was never easy to say anything to you, be it in writings or speech. The one with lots of things to say was always you, Abah. And you didn't speak of nothing. There was always something to ponder about when you talk. Of course, most of the times it would be about politics but nevertheless, there were always avid listeners and you could go on for hours, even into the wee hours of the morning. That was a part of you I will always remember.

We were suppose to celebrate this Hari Raya together. It was our turn to have you with us to celebrate this joyous occasion. Mama was suppose to have someone to sit by her side when the family pictures were taken, just like Papa and Pak Tam's family. You were suppose to sit beside Mama so that the picture will be complete. Guess Allah has another plan for us, right Abah? It still hurt, though. The if-onlys ran in my mind most of the times. If only Abah is here. If only we could celebrate Hari Raya together as a family. If only you are still around... Wishful thinking, I know.

I am truly sorry. I am sorry for not visiting you since you went away. I could not bring myself to it, Abah. It is hard enough to come to term with your loss. Visiting you will be like... a finality. And I don't want that. I want to remember you as a whole person. I don't need another reminder, especially not one that reminds me of you not being here. I'm afraid I might break down and cry all over again. It is enough that I'm doing it alone in the silent darkness. Maybe in years to come, I'll be stronger. But not today, Abah. The pain, the sadness is still raw.

Never did I utter the word of love to you. Never once I told you "I love you" or "I miss you". Pride got in my way. Never did I told you I am proud of you. I still remember the time when you were there at my UiTM, giving the talk during the program organized by Biro Tatanegara. You rocked the session. My friends love you. They were saying things like "Ayah Ummi bestla!" and "Ayah Ummi kelakarla!". I was so proud, Abah. You made me feel so proud to be your daughter, but you didn't know that, did you? Because I never told you so. Here I'm telling you now, Abah, that I am truly proud to be your daughter.

I used to doubt how much you love me. I used to doubt if you ever think of me. I came to realized later that how baseless my doubts were. I met with your friends. And they all looked at me fondly, saying "Ni anak Joey ni". Yes, I always get that. Because I look a lot like you. And then I came to know that you always talked about me. "Ni Farhana ni, Abah dia selalu dok sebut nama dia", a person said. "Anak Joey yang ni selalu dia dok cerita, bawak pi rata kecik-kecik dulu", another said. Here and there, people talked about how you always talked about me. A father's daughter I was. How I miss you, Abah. I miss you so much.

Today, I wish I could see your face. Today, I wish I could hear your voice and laughter. Today, I wish you are here. How I wish you are here today so that I could say this to you directly as I never done it before... I wish I could say



  1. thank you for sharing such a personal statement with your readers. Now give me some tissue to wipe my leaky eyes!! :p

  2. I being very close to my mom, however I realise that daddy not less important...happy b'day to my dad also

  3. lynne: just a reflection from me.. :)

    myfisol: happy birthday to your dad as well. thanx for dropping by

  4. ummi,

    what i feared the most when my father died was that i was gonna forget him. truth is, you never will. he will always be alive because of the memories you have about him.

    i'm sure up there, he knows and misses you too everytime you miss him.

    slamat hari raya and dont be sad =)

  5. ummi,

    love your parents as much as possible...especially if they're still there with u...

    I dont have both with me here.. but I'll always love them ....

  6. i never had the chance to get to know your father that much, even though secretly, i knew that he would like me if he got the chance to know me.

    ever since my dad had his first heart attack early this year, i've been full with worry with everything he did and does. i'm afraid that i will not have enough time to say all the things i'm supposed to say to him, so, i said lots of things to him till he got irritated. it's silly, i know, to worry about little things, but then you know me.

  7. umie....:-) i am proud of you...really am! a daughter's expression of love...comes from deep within, is always beautiful melody to a dad...even if said to the passing wind.

    i am deeply toched my ur entry umie...
    and happy belated birthday Joey...wherever you are. Please know that you have a lovely daugther who loves u a lot...

    uncle arif.

  8. adiba: i've read your blog on your fear of forgetting your dad. somehow, i don't think that will ever happen to you, or me for that matter because we both love our fathers so much that the memories will always remain...

    eylla: my love for my parents knows no boundaries. thank you for dropping by

    neomesuff: rendered you speechless did i? :P

    wani: you and my father will sure get along like house on fire if you've had the chance to know each other

    ernisuhana: nah tisu!

    uncle arif: i always find strength in knowing that he always think of me...

    **thanks for all your comments. really appreciate it.


Words could heal... or it could hurt or maybe, it won't bring any difference. Either way, just type away!