a letter for abah...

Asalammualaikum Abah...

I do not even know how am I suppose to start this letter. I wish it could be as easy as saying "How are you?". But... it was never easy to say anything to you, be it in writings or speech. The one with lots of things to say was always you, Abah. And you didn't speak of nothing. There was always something to ponder about when you talk. Of course, most of the times it would be about politics but nevertheless, there were always avid listeners and you could go on for hours, even into the wee hours of the morning. That was a part of you I will always remember.

Abah...
We were suppose to celebrate this Hari Raya together. It was our turn to have you with us to celebrate this joyous occasion. Mama was suppose to have someone to sit by her side when the family pictures were taken, just like Papa and Pak Tam's family. You were suppose to sit beside Mama so that the picture will be complete. Guess Allah has another plan for us, right Abah? It still hurt, though. The if-onlys ran in my mind most of the times. If only Abah is here. If only we could celebrate Hari Raya together as a family. If only you are still around... Wishful thinking, I know.

Abah...
I am truly sorry. I am sorry for not visiting you since you went away. I could not bring myself to it, Abah. It is hard enough to come to term with your loss. Visiting you will be like... a finality. And I don't want that. I want to remember you as a whole person. I don't need another reminder, especially not one that reminds me of you not being here. I'm afraid I might break down and cry all over again. It is enough that I'm doing it alone in the silent darkness. Maybe in years to come, I'll be stronger. But not today, Abah. The pain, the sadness is still raw.

Abah...
Never did I utter the word of love to you. Never once I told you "I love you" or "I miss you". Pride got in my way. Never did I told you I am proud of you. I still remember the time when you were there at my UiTM, giving the talk during the program organized by Biro Tatanegara. You rocked the session. My friends love you. They were saying things like "Ayah Ummi bestla!" and "Ayah Ummi kelakarla!". I was so proud, Abah. You made me feel so proud to be your daughter, but you didn't know that, did you? Because I never told you so. Here I'm telling you now, Abah, that I am truly proud to be your daughter.

Abah...
I used to doubt how much you love me. I used to doubt if you ever think of me. I came to realized later that how baseless my doubts were. I met with your friends. And they all looked at me fondly, saying "Ni anak Joey ni". Yes, I always get that. Because I look a lot like you. And then I came to know that you always talked about me. "Ni Farhana ni, Abah dia selalu dok sebut nama dia", a person said. "Anak Joey yang ni selalu dia dok cerita, bawak pi rata kecik-kecik dulu", another said. Here and there, people talked about how you always talked about me. A father's daughter I was. How I miss you, Abah. I miss you so much.

Abah...
Today, I wish I could see your face. Today, I wish I could hear your voice and laughter. Today, I wish you are here. How I wish you are here today so that I could say this to you directly as I never done it before... I wish I could say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABAH
LOVE YOU ALWAYS...