in those moments

*Please excuse me as I wallow in in my so-called self-pity (is it?) and pathetic-ness (if there is ever such a word). If you feel disgusted or menyampah or meluat by it, please discontinue reading or feel free to click the X button. Thank you.*

Last night, I felt so restless. My head was in a jumble, it was a total mess. I don't even know what was it that's bothering me so much. Could be my hormones kicking in at all the wrong places. Sigh. I don't know. I thought of screaming at the top of my lungs, but to do it here at home is a big no-no. What will the neighbors say? That I've gone mental? Or worse, they'll think I've been possessed (kene rasuk). The former could be fine, but the latter left very little to be desired. The last thing I want is to have all sort of shaman or witch doctors threading on my already fragile sanity. Oops. A bit out of the topic there, if there's any at all *winks*.

I tried to entertain myself so I won't think too much about anything. I watched the telly, laughing all the same (never mind that I watched and laughed all on my own), put on my favorite song and hummed to it (I could only hum as it was already close to midnight). Nothing worked. I needed someone to talk to very badly, someone who could at least makes me forget myself even for a second. So I SMS-ed someone, but.......... well, it wasn't meant to be. Sarcasm could be funny sometimes, but not last night. So I stashed my phone in the drawer to keep me from doing anything stupid (like crying my eyes out to someone). Oh well. Just my luck, no?

Then, I switched off the light and lied down on the bed, staring into the nothingness when suddenly, out of nowhere, the dam burst. After so many successful tempt to hold back the tears, I failed to do it last night. It was a free flow. I cried earnestly for about an hour and then went to sleep. It felt good actually to cry and cry and cry. It did put me to sleep, by the way. Maybe I needed that more than anything else. But then, as usual, I woke up at 3 a.m. My face felt a bit sticky from the tears so I went to wash my face. Tried to go back to sleep but I ended up with another round of fresh tears. How stupid.

I hate crying. I really do. Because it makes me feel so weak and helpless (even though I really do feel that way ). But then, maybe that is my way to let everything go. I feel much better after that. I'm such a cry-baby, I know. And maybe a bit crazy. Just don't tell anyone about it, okay? *winks!*