Monday, March 17, 2008

the not-so-perfect life...

Age must be catching up with me now. I got sentimental nowadays and even caught myself reflecting upon every aspect of my life. Interesting, no? But then, I stopped myself. It's not that I don't want to reflect upon everything, but it's just that when I start, I'll never stop. And it never gives me a good night sleep. I'm a naturally restless sleeper, but when I think too much, sleep is never my number one priority. That would be bad, no? A girl needs her beauty sleep every now and then.

Putting everything aside and pretending everything is breezy is not my way of dealing with things either, but sometimes, ignorance IS a bliss. Pretending to be okay when you are really not is... well, okay for me, I guess. I'm so used to keep everything to myself that when persuaded to share it by anyone, I'll hesitate and chickened out. In the end, it does makes me feel a bit lonely but to change the lifelong habit is not my forte. I prefer to keep things unchanged. If only I could do the same to time. Let time stop. Let life stop for a while and take a deep breather. Am I making any sense here? I should hope I do.

When going through the pages of my not-so-perfect life, I realized something. I crave peace and tranquility. I crave freedom. I crave excitement. Life has become so routine, it dulls. Routine is good, routine is normal. But good and normal spells boring. And I found my life to be just that. Boring. Normal. Not that it's bad, but... well, I'm approaching 23 and I hope this life could be... well, a bit more meaningful. It feels like I'm leading a life that is not of my own, but someone else's. It feels like I'm stuck in an unknown body, going on auto-pilot. But I should be grateful for it, right? At least I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep on, clothes to put on, and food to fatten me up more. Hehehe...

This year, my heart was broken. I was slapped with such a forceful betrayal that it made me stop and analyze myself, as a person, as a woman. And I came up with this conclusion: To hell with him. He doesn't deserve me at all. And I made peace with myself. And another person just decided that talking thrash to me and about me in the public is THE way to get my attention. Well, now you know, buddy just how much it grabbed my attention. You, too, hurt me because I thought you are my friend. Now I know just what kind of a friend you are. Thank you for that. You opened up my eyes. Next time, I won't make the same mistake again by seeking you out to make peace. I hereby declare you as a no one to me. No one at all.

Yes, I do feel a little lonely at times. I longed for that SMS or phone call from someone who calls me with endearing term such as 'Sayang'. I longed for that feeling of being cared and loved by someone outside the family. But I guess I had enough of it. If by doing such things, I'll be hurt over and over again, I prefer to play on the safe side and be left alone. At least, I only have myself to think about, no? More freedom for me. More chance to explore and play the field. Now, that sounds appealing! Or better yet, finish my degree first and enjoy my life, according to Neome. Hehehe... Thanks for the advice!

By the way, this modest blog of mine turned 2 on the 8th of March, 9 days ago. Happy 2nd Birthday, blog dear. Lets grow older and wiser together, shall we?


  1. hehe...youre welcome ;-)

    Its kinda never ending my dear, its how u deal with whatever comes your way, m dealing with some transitions myself and m like more than 10 years 'maturer' than u..ceh takmo ckp older tuh hehe

    n yeah..u can talk to me anytime ;-)
    take care bebeh

  2. neome: sometimes feel so tired with dealing with all these things but since it's my life, i have no other choice, no? perhaps i should let time decide for me? or let life run its own course?

  3. komen...actually, tatau nak komen apa...hehhe

    btw, hepi 2nd bday for ur blog...dengan ucapan: Updet plsss....

    hehhe :D

  4. 13may: haiyya...look who's talking. updet plisss~

  5. certain things u go by the day, some by the months, some by the years. and live life to the fullest darling...yre prerogative ;-)

  6. eh..maner komen akak tadi ar?
    wat penat laks tak masok..

  7. life is to enjoy and not to endure. I remember all the hurting memories when I was about your age. It really hurt and make me want to completely erase that particular storage in my brain (if possible). But, it's just not possible. To my surprise, the more I think about it, the more I get myself better, by doing totally opposites from what I did before.

    Best of luck Ummi. I know you are able to handle it...

  8. neome: looking back n regret is just not my style so i prefer to look forward and i'm determined to live it to the fullest =)

    kak Reen: mungkin mase tu blogspot nk ajak cari gaduh kot.hehehe...

    kak Neeza: what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, kan? i just have to learn from the experience and do everything differently...


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