Monday, July 07, 2008

a jumble in my head

Of late, there seems to be a lot of things crowding my mind. Well... not that is ever empty (my mind) but it feels like the mind is kinda overload with thoughts lately. Happy thoughts, depressing thoughts, the future, the past, the present... yadda yadda. But there is one thought that always pops into my mind every single day. Abah (al-Fatihah).

Abah has been gone for more than a year, but yet, it still feels like... I don't know... so fresh. The memories, the pain. Still fresh and vivid. And I miss him so much for the past few weeks. Sometimes, when I woke up in the middle of the night, I could almost hear his coughing. Almost. And sometimes, I could almost hear his footsteps outside the house. Abah used to come home around 3 am, when everybody else was sound asleep. And of course no one would hear him calling so Abah had to walk to the back of the house as Mama's room is located at the back, as well as mine. And Abah would call Mama. It actually took Mama quiet some time to hear, but me being the light sleeper that I am would always open my eyes upon hearing his footsteps. Yes, I recognized even his footsteps.

One time, I saw this one man who looked a lot like Abah. A lot. I had this very strong urge to go up to him and hug him but reality sunk in fast, fortunately. I quickly diverted my eyes to somewhere else. And tried not to think about Abah. It was hard indeed. Sometimes, I could even hear Abah's voice somewhere. But as I looked around, it felt just like another illusion of mine. Do I miss him so desperately? I think so. And judging by Mama's mood nowadays, I think she misses him as well. I still keep Abah's number in my phone. Sometimes I wonder if I call the number who would pick the phone up. As always, I wish he himself will pick it up. In my dreams, maybe. And I've had dreams about Abah few times. In one dream, he and I was in a car, driving around (of course he was the one driving) and I was talking like crazy while he just smiled serenely listening to my endless ramblings. And I remember waking up wishing so hard that it wasn't just a dream. Maybe it wasn't, after all. Maybe it was a piece of memory we shared once.

All I have now is pieces of memory. But, what if one day the memory will fade away? What if one day, I could not even remember the sound of his voice and laughter? And should one day the memories fade away, will it ease the ache in my heart? Will I miss him as much? Honestly, I refuse to let go of the ache. It reminds me to not to take things for granted. It reminds me to be grateful for what I have now. It also reminds me just how much I love my father and how much I miss his presence. I hate it when some people told me to not to 'kenang-kenangkan' (remembers) my father. Some said let bygones be bygones. If you yourself were to be me, would you even dare to forget? If you were to be in my place, would you not miss him? Think about it. And stop asking me to stop remembering him. You hurt me when you said that.

It's all a jumble in my head. I found solace in Abah's memories as I go through my life. I found peace in knowing that I was once a daddy's girl. A spoilt daddy's girl. And I am indeed going to cherish that fact forever.

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