Wednesday, December 17, 2008

single & lonely: a state of mind?

I never dated when I was in high school. That's right. Never. I started to date when I was around 20 or 21. Never once it occured to me to date during my high school years. Back then, hanging out at Mid Valley or Times Square or KLCC was not my priority. In fact, I only went to these places after SPM. I guess that is why until now I prefer to stay at home more than going out. My circle of friends is very small. Until I went to the university. My world was so small back when I was a pimple-faced teenager. And boys were my least favourite subject.

Now, as I look at my teenage sisters and brother who are going through their high school, I could not help but be amazed how it was so different for me back then. Now they have their own mobile phones while I got my first cellphone when I was 18. Their weekends and school breaks are spent watching movies or hanging out with friends at either Mid Valley or Times Square. I lost track of their boyfriends, or 'scandals' as they prefer to call them. How time has changed, no? Or maybe, it's just me? But as I look back, I don't think I ever regret the way I've lived in the past. It had, in many ways, shaped me to be who I am now.

Sometimes, I wish I am single just like I used to be. Being single means I don't have to think about the other person, about his feelings and his demands. Being single means the freedom to do things my way and to flirt to my heart content. Not that my freedom is restricted in any way at all. It's just that somehow, I find myself doing things more to please him instead of myself. I am never good at taking orders. I tend to rebel. And to be able to listen to him is a miracle itself. Though sometimes I tend to fight back. I am stubborn too, you see. It feels good sometimes to fight back although at times I feel ashamed and guilty.

I have to admit, though, even if I sometimes wish I am single, I am more than glad and happy to have someone other than my family and friends beside me. Someone who you could merajuk with, who will try to pujuk you when you merajuk. Someone who will call you up to ask you how was your day and who will wish you good night lovingly. Little things like that which got me hooked. Little things like that which got me wondering "Would I be able to go on with my life as usual without it?" I honestly do not know. But if I'm being honest, without those little things, it will be lonely for me. Yes. Lonely.

I guess that is why people who just broke up with their boyfriend is quick to fall in love with another who comes along their way. On the rebound, people say. Loneliness. We the human beings are scared of that word. We are even more scared to be the one to experience it. I know I am. I know this one girl who was quick to accept a guy in her life without getting to know him better because she could not stand to live her life without a boyfriend. She feels lonely, she said. Would she prefer the so-called loneliness now that her boyfriend is showing his true colors? She's optimistic. She said she'll try to make it work. Both of us know that she is not really in love with that guy, though. So I'd say that the loneliness factor drives her to behave that way. And that loneliness factor applies more specifically to women... I think.

I've read in a magazine where there are lots of single ladies out there who are leading a great life. At least they claimed it to be a great life. They have great job, which they love. They spend more times with their family and friends. They travel more. They have more freedom in the sense of social life. Sounds just perfect in this modern world. Too perfect, perhaps? I don't know. Maybe there are actually people who live like that.

So could it be that being single and lonely is just a state of mind? I would love to hear from those people who are single and loving every minute of it.

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