Thursday, May 14, 2009

giving up

There are times when I look back and I regret. I'm trying hard to hold on tight to the 'Never Regret' mantra but it's tough not to regret after so many years of life. Most of all, I regret for being nice. Yes, I am regretful for being nice and generous. It's just so hurtful when the nicety or generosity is repaid with arrogance and hate. It hurts bad and it makes me crave blood.

And it is even harder to swallow when it is your own flesh and blood...

The story of my life, ladies and gentlemen.

I am not perfect and never shall I be...

I acted out of consideration when I borrowed out my stuff. Borrowed. Not gave. But then again, in family, the term borrow is practically non-existent. So to get back your very own stuff is like... impossible. I'm not the kind of person that will ungkit the past. I tend to forget and move on. But it is hard to move on when you are reminded time and time again how you are being treated by your own flesh and blood.

Need money? Fine. No guarantee to pay me back? Also fine. Never mind that I am piss poor at times. Never mind that I have very little on my own. I help whenever I can.

Need USB drive. Sure, sure. Take mine and lost it. I don't mind at all.

Need functional handphone? Here you go, take this one. Then, when I'm using it, ask for the phone back in a very rude manner. Let the whole world know I'm using *your* phone. No problemo.

My laptop is ancient, so you can use my laptop charger. Sure, sure. I don't mind. Not at all.

Your lappie is broken and you use mine, I don't mind. You asked me to give the lappie to my boyfriend so that he can see what's wrong then you bitched about it, I don't mind it too. When I change the password on my lappie, you can bitch about me. Again, I don't mind.

You fight with each other and then you blamed me. And you wish that you never had a sister like me. Fret not. Your wish will come true.

Now that is what I call ungkit! I don't give a fuck anymore. I've had enough. I've cried enough tears to last me a century. I apologize enough that it makes me feel like I'm worthless. And I feel like I'm slipping into a depression so deep I just want to take my own life.

And so with this, I concede defeat. I'm giving it all up. I'm totally fucked up. I don't care anymore. Let me be in my own world. I don't want to be the big sister anymore. I give up. That's it.


  1. my dear, some siblings do treat "your stuff" are "my stuff" too..
    some don't..
    I can understand your concern..
    sometimes, we just need to be bold.. biar aje diorang nak kecik hati.. air dicincang takkan putus.. Insyaallah..

  2. talk about the story of my life!!

  3. kak neeza: it is not so much about materiality but the manner that they treat you with. why must be rude? why the cold shoulder? why the bitching behind my back? like i don't even know that they're bitching about me. i even memorize every single word.

    wani: if only i could choose my own family member...

  4. our sisters are talking behind our backs. yang geramnya, diorang ingat diorang je yg bagus sgt. diorang baca both of our blogs, something i intended to be.

  5. wani: they can talk as much as they want to. i don't give a damn anymore. dh diorg rase diri diorg tu bagus sgt, let them take care of themselves. jgn esok lusa terhegeh2 buat muka kesian kalau ade masalah

  6. To the SISTERS:
    I hope the so-called ADIK, ANGAH or whoever related tu sedar la sikit. Why you guys bitch/ backstab your Along? U all super bagus aaa? Tolong aaa... cermin dulu muka tu.
    Dont ever bitch about your Along.. if not, you guys really BAHALOL..!

    p/s- kalau diaorang nie adik2 aku, dah lama kena lempang sekor2 nie.