a letter for abah...

Asalammualaikum Abah...

I do not even know how am I suppose to start this letter. I wish it could be as easy as saying "How are you?". But... it was never easy to say anything to you, be it in writings or speech. The one with lots of things to say was always you, Abah. And you didn't speak of nothing. There was always something to ponder about when you talk. Of course, most of the times it would be about politics but nevertheless, there were always avid listeners and you could go on for hours, even into the wee hours of the morning. That was a part of you I will always remember.

Abah...
We were suppose to celebrate this Hari Raya together. It was our turn to have you with us to celebrate this joyous occasion. Mama was suppose to have someone to sit by her side when the family pictures were taken, just like Papa and Pak Tam's family. You were suppose to sit beside Mama so that the picture will be complete. Guess Allah has another plan for us, right Abah? It still hurt, though. The if-onlys ran in my mind most of the times. If only Abah is here. If only we could celebrate Hari Raya together as a family. If only you are still around... Wishful thinking, I know.

Abah...
I am truly sorry. I am sorry for not visiting you since you went away. I could not bring myself to it, Abah. It is hard enough to come to term with your loss. Visiting you will be like... a finality. And I don't want that. I want to remember you as a whole person. I don't need another reminder, especially not one that reminds me of you not being here. I'm afraid I might break down and cry all over again. It is enough that I'm doing it alone in the silent darkness. Maybe in years to come, I'll be stronger. But not today, Abah. The pain, the sadness is still raw.

Abah...
Never did I utter the word of love to you. Never once I told you "I love you" or "I miss you". Pride got in my way. Never did I told you I am proud of you. I still remember the time when you were there at my UiTM, giving the talk during the program organized by Biro Tatanegara. You rocked the session. My friends love you. They were saying things like "Ayah Ummi bestla!" and "Ayah Ummi kelakarla!". I was so proud, Abah. You made me feel so proud to be your daughter, but you didn't know that, did you? Because I never told you so. Here I'm telling you now, Abah, that I am truly proud to be your daughter.

Abah...
I used to doubt how much you love me. I used to doubt if you ever think of me. I came to realized later that how baseless my doubts were. I met with your friends. And they all looked at me fondly, saying "Ni anak Joey ni". Yes, I always get that. Because I look a lot like you. And then I came to know that you always talked about me. "Ni Farhana ni, Abah dia selalu dok sebut nama dia", a person said. "Anak Joey yang ni selalu dia dok cerita, bawak pi rata kecik-kecik dulu", another said. Here and there, people talked about how you always talked about me. A father's daughter I was. How I miss you, Abah. I miss you so much.

Abah...
Today, I wish I could see your face. Today, I wish I could hear your voice and laughter. Today, I wish you are here. How I wish you are here today so that I could say this to you directly as I never done it before... I wish I could say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABAH
LOVE YOU ALWAYS...

just a quickie...

Ooookayyy... I'm still having my Raya post under maintenance. Lots of story to tell and even loads more picture to upload. If I'm lucky enough; that being Blogspot is not acting up yet again, it will be done by this week.

In the meantime, you can always go to my sister's blog, Nothing But The Truth (please do visit her blog and look at the the pictures she took. She's a great photographer) and my cousin's Addicted 2 Coffee for stories on our Hari Raya celebration. The best Hari Raya ever, I must say. Stay tuned.

salam aidilfitri...

Saya, Ummi Farhana Zulkifli, dengan ini ingin mengambil kesempatan untuk mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri buat seluruh umat Islam baik berada di Malaysia atau pun di mana-mana sahaja, khususnya kepada pembaca-pembaca yang telah mengunjungi blog saya ini dan telah meninggalkan komen yang sedikit sebanyak memberi kesan pada diri saya.

Saya juga ingin mengambil kesempatan di bulan yang mulia ini untuk memohon ampun dan maaf andainya ada tersilap kata atau terkasar bahasa sepanjang tempoh saya berada di arena blog ini. Akhir kata, semoga Aidilfitri anda kali ini diberkati dan lebih baik dari Aidilfitri yang sebelumnya.

muhammad syaqirin b. zulkifli

Yep, you read the title right. After posting about his birthday, I feel the urge to tell you more about this little hero of mine. Let me introduce all of you to Muhammad Syaqirin b. Zulkifli, my little brother and the apple of my eye, and my mom, too, of course!

Syaqirin was born on 7th of October 1995. The story behind his coming into this world is rather a fascinating one, albeit a bit sad. When my mother was pregnant with him, my sisters and I were up north because we were living with my aunt while my mother was in KL. Circumstances brought us apart for about 2 years, but it was OK. It taught us to be more appreciative to each other. Back to the story, the truth is, we were never really aware of my mother's pregnancy. Out of the blue, one day, we got a phone call saying that we got a baby brother. A baby brother! After 6 sisters (not that I'm not thankful for that, mind you), I finally have a brother! I was so happy. Nothing could ever describe the happiness that came over us that day.

A week after he was born, my mother boarded a plane straight to Alor Setar. A week! Imagine. See, my mother had no one to look after her in KL. In Alor Setar, my grandma was there and so was my aunt, and so were we. As my mother went through her pantang, I looked after my little brother with such protectiveness that it bordered on obsession *tee-hee*. I just couldn't help it.

The first name meant for this little boy was Muhammad Adam, but my mother thought it doesn't sound right. So, she changed it to Muhammad Syaqirin. Such a beautiful name, but we prefered to call him Baby. I know, I know... a bit off for a boy to be called 'Baby'. That nickname stuck to him for a long time. Well, now we usually call him Qirin, but the 'Baby' calling slips occassionally. He was actually the one who ordered us to stop calling him 'Baby'. He won't answer to 'Baby' anymore. Me? My fave nick for him is 'Cik', short for Kecik (small).

Then, we moved back to KL to live with my mother. By this time, he was about 6-12 months old. My mother was an extremely busy woman back then. She was always out of town. We were to look after ourselves at that time. I was 11. No maid or bibik whatsoever. We only have each other. That was when I learn the meaning of being independent and the meaning of responsibility. I guess it was at this time as well that Syaqirin really grew attach to me. I fed him, I washed him, I put him to sleep. Everything. I did it without any complaints. I did it out of love.

It was some time later than that we were told about my mother's delivery. When she first felt the pain, she was all alone at home. There was no one to take her to the hospital. She couldn't even drive at that time. She had to call a friend to help her out (Allah bless her). I cried when I heard the story. My mother has gone through a lot. When he was born, the person who whispered the Azan to his ear was a doctor (whoever he was, Allah bless him, too). It was heart-breaking to know that both my mother and my brother were left without a family during that time. Such were the circumstances all of us had gone through. However, the hikmah of it all, it brought us closer to each other. We are a close-knit family. For us, family comes first, no matter what.

As a boy growing up with 7 girls, people always wonder how will he turn out. I am happy to report that he is very normal, just like any other boy who is mischievous and rather naughty and fiercely independent. I think he got that from each of us. He irons his own school uniform, washes his own shoe, folds his own clothes, sweeps his own room. He had been doing it since he was 9 or 10. I am very proud of him. Of course, there were some incidents here and there. One being when somebody told us he had been smoking. Yep, smoking. At the age of 12. I was horrified but kept my cool. My mother asked him about it and he was very honest about it. He didn't lie or deny the smoking incident. And he promised never to do it again. In fact, he was very ashamed of it. I trust him with all my heart.

He had grown up so fast my little brother. I used to held him in my arms, inhaled his baby smell, playing with him. Sigh. No more that little guy who I used to wake up in the middle in the night to attend to. He is a big boy now. But still, a 'manja' one. And a very loyal little brother. He is more loyal to me than my mother! *chuckles* He kisses me whenever he has the chance. Always that long, fierce kasi-penyek-pipi-Along kinda kiss. Still ask me to carry (dukung) him. Ahh... my not-so-little brother...

Just keep smiling like that ....

another birthday (build-up to aidilfitri)

It is my lil brother's birthday today! He is now 12. Time moves so fast, no? He is such a big boy now, and fiercely independent. He never missed a day of puasa yet! *proud* Here's his pictures. Handsome, no? My friends always say that he'll be a heart-breaker someday. Gee, I hope they were just teasing, or being nice.

Yesterday was another sister's birthday. She's 18 now. Wow! Everybody is growing up so fast, I feel old already. Hahaha!~

Anyway, this just adds up to the festive mood, but somehow, there's something missing. Will blog about it later on. In the meantime, here's a big wish for both my beloved member of the family...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AISHAH & SYAQIRIN!!!
LOVE YOU BOTH SOOOO MUCH!!!!