ups, downs... the usual

When I was diagnosed with PCOS a month ago, the doc prescribed me with Metformin (pergi baca link sana, aku malas nak elaborate), to be taken twice daily after meal. Being my mother's daughter, I was kinda paranoid to take any kind of meds prescribed by the doc. So, naturally, I googled it up. And yeap, Metformin is the common med prescribed to ladies with PCOS. I'm taking this med diligently, every single day. And of course, my mother does not need to know about this. She's a bit funny when it comes to 'unnatural' meds.

The next thing I googled about Metformin is of the side effects. Boy oh boy, was I so unhappy to find about the side effects! Nausea, dizziness, sleepiness... How la am I going to function like this? The first few weeks of taking this med, I went through all sort of cobaan. I felt nauseous most of the time, which leads to me throwing up everything I ate. I felt sleepy all the time, at the office, at home. I went to bed as early as 9 a.m! Gila kau. I'm not the type to go to bed early (which is a very bad thing, really). It got so bad to the point I stopped taking it twice a day. I cut it down to once per day.

Slowly, my body adjusted to the med and I started to take it twice per day as per recommended. Sometimes, I still got nauseous, or dizzy. Sometimes I would have diarrhea (never fun). Sometimes I would throw up my food. I discovered that if I eat greasy or overly sweet food, I'd throw it all up. I can't even keep cheese in my stomach nowadays. So, yes, goodbye pizza :(((

By the way, went to the hospital last week and my weight went down for 1.1 kg! Yeay! Small, but very very significant to me. Even the doc said so. Every gram/kg is significant for PCOS patients because it will help to regulate the hormones. I have a very long way to go yet, bear in mind. Even I do not know what the outcome will be. I'm just trying very hard to stay positive. Mostly...

Emotionally? Well, I haven't had any breakdown yet. Except for that one time when I suddenly feel the urge to scream and break something. I wanted to have some sort of breakdown. But. I. Just. Can't. I feel like... I dunno lah. Even I myself is trying hard to figure myself out. I know for sure I'm not okay deep inside. But I just wanna be okay to the world. I don't even know what I'm trying to prove.

Man... look at the time now. Let's just leave it here, okay? I've revealed enough for now. Toodles!

wake up call

Early December 2014, I went for a check up with the O&G at PPUKM. And I received what I called the biggest wake up call ever in my life.

I was diagnosed with PCOS. Simply put, PCOS is a hormone-related problem (out-of-balance hormones). PCOS affects fertility, which means it will be harder for PCOS women to get pregnant. Not impossible, just a little bit more difficult than other normal women.

The doc gave me until March to lose some serious weight. Or I will have some other more serious problem in the future (which includes the probability of getting ovarian cancer). Even if I got pregnant with my current condition, it will be considered a high-risk pregnancy, the doc told me. I can get diabetes, high blood pressure or worse, heart attack. The risk of me getting a miscarriage is also high.

Truthfully, it was like a slap to my face. And my heart did break a little. And there's no one to be blamed except for myself.

Ah well... life has to go on anyway. I'm determined to change my way of life now. Eat and live healthily. Drink more water. All that jazz.

Let's see what 2015 will bring for me.

cerita curang

Mood rajin datang menjenguk buat seketika.

Aku tertarik dengan satu artikel di Wanista yang aku baca minggu lepas. Sebenarnya nak blog pasal artikel tu, tapi mood rajin pergi jalan-jalan. Artikel boleh baca di sini. Pergi baca. Artikel ni berkisarkan tentang seorang lelaki yang menceritakan kecurangan isterinya dalam sebuah blog. Haa... gitu.

Dah baca? Menarik tak? Bagi aku, menarik sangat. Dan oleh kerana itu, aku dengan gigihnya pergi google blog tersebut. Dan aku jumpa! Takdelah gigih mana pun sebenarnya. Taip je 'my cheating wife', tekan search, jumpalah aku akan blog tersebut. Lalu aku pun membaca setiap entry yang lelaki tu taip. Setiap satu entry. Setiap satu perkataan. Aku baca. Itu baru namanya gigih. Kalaulah bekerja atau belajar dulu pun gigih macam ni...

Tapi lelaki ni lagi gigih. Pasang software untuk spy handphone isteri dia. Siap printscreen perbualan SMS antara isteri dia dengan boyfriend isteri dia. SMS diorang... phewww. Silalah pergi sendiri ke blog tersebut untuk baca pertukaran SMS antara dua kekasih tersebut. Kalau aku bubuh semua kat sini, nanti blog aku kena censored. Gahahaha! Tak pasal-pasal blog ni kena rate 18SX. Awww... tak rela ai. Ni bukan blog nyah-nyah tayang lurah tetek ye.

Tapi...

Secara seriusnya, aku rasa sedih, marah dan kecewa bagi pihak lelaki tu. Dahlah isteri curang, anak yang selama ni dia ingat anak dia rupa-rupanya adalah anak kepada boyfriend isteri dia. Pedih betul. Tersayat hati, lebih-lebih lagi bila masuk bab anak. Tergamaknya seorang perempuan mempermainkan suami dia sampai macam tu sekali. Sebagai seorang perempuan, aku rasa malu dengan perbuatan isteri itu. Apa sebab pun tak mampu nak justifikasikan perbuatan dia sebagai seorang isteri dan seorang ibu.

Dan boyfriend itu pula ialah seorang suami. Ya, curangnya itu seorang perempuan dan seorang lelaki. Tak boleh nak tuding jari kata perempuan je jahat, atau lelaki je jahat. Dua-dua sama jahat. Orang yang curang dengan pasangan masing-masing ialah orang yang jahat. Jahat sejahat-jahatnya, bagi aku. Sebab apa? Sebab orang yang curang ni menyakiti hati orang lain, mengkhianati kepercayaan orang lain. Kalau kau bunuh orang, orang tu mati, keluarga dia mungkin boleh meneruskan kehidupan. Tapi bila kau mengkhianati pasangan hidup sendiri yang percayakan kau, luka tu akan berbekas sampai mati.

Aku tak faham kadang-kadang dengan orang yang curang ni. Kau dah kahwin dengan pasangan pilihan kau, kenapa kau masih ada hati nak tergedik-gedik dengan orang lain lagi? Tak cukup kasih sayang? Tak cukup nafkah zahir batin? Atau kau ni sememangnya manusia yang tak pernah akan puas? Sebanyak mana kasih sayang, sebanyak mana ciuman peluk kasih nak diberikan supaya kau puas? Orang tamak ni, orang tua kata, selalu akan rugi.

Bertukar-tukar ayat cinta asmaradana di Facebook, di SMS, di WhatsApp/WeChat/Skype, bukan main lagi. Kalau ada masa untuk mabuk kepayang bercurangan dengan orang lain, kenapa tak bercinta dengan yang sememangnya dah halal bagi kau? Kenapa? Sebab ada thrill? Sebab untuk suka-suka? Sebab bosan? Sebab gatal? Sebab apa sebenarnya? Musykil betul aku. Kalau ada yang kurang pada pasangan sendiri, bawalah berbincang bantal ke bantal. Kau dah pilih dia untuk hidup dengan kau, dan dia dah pilih kau untuk hidup dengan dia, kenapa perlu nak mencari juga keseronokan di luar?

Jangan. Pesan aku, jangan sakiti hati pasangan kau. Jangan khianati kepercayaan dia. Dalam sesebuah perhubungan, bila kepercayaan tu dah kau cemarkan, susah nak patah balik. Susah dah orang yang kau tipu tu nak percaya pada kau, tak kira macam mana cinta atau sayangnya dia pada kau. Syak wasangka, curiga akan timbul. Benda ni sebenarnya yang membawa kepada pertengkaran, membawa kepada perceraian. Itu pendapat jujur aku. Aku pun, sekali dah dikhianati kepercayaan aku, susah aku nak percaya pada orang tu dah. Sakit. Sakit sangat bila dikhianati.

Setengah orang, ranggi dan yakin. Yakin yang dia dok main-main belakang pasangan dia, pasangan dia takkan tahu. Kawan, jangan lupa, Allah itu Maha Kuasa. Allah itu Maha Mengetahui. Dan Allah itu juga Maha Mengasihi kepada hamba-Nya yang teraniaya. Tak hari ni, esok atau lusa, pasti aktiviti masa lapang kau tu akan terbongkar juga. Tak payah dia nak spy handphone kau ke apa, Allah akan tunjuk juga satu ketika nanti. Masa tu, memang lantak kat kaulah kalau dia sumpah kau jadi peti ais pun.

Cuba nanti, bila kau sedang enak berbicara cinta penuh berahi dengan orang yang bukan pasangan kau, kau terbalikkan situasi. Kau bayangkan yang kau ni pasangan kau yang setia tu, dan pasangan kau tu yang dok sibuk SMS berahi dengan orang ketiga? Amacam? Bayangkan. Dan cuba rasa. Sakit tak hati? Sedih? Marah? Kecewa? Kalau kau tak rasa, memang kau tak serik, kan? Heh.

Jangan mulut sahaja bicara cinta dan sayang. Biar perbuatan itu seiring dengan apa yang diucapkan. Ingat, setiap perbuatan itu ada balasannya. Kau lelaki ke, kau perempuan ke, bilamana kau curang, kau jahat. Kalau nantinya, pasangan kau yang bicara "I miss you" kepada orang lain, kau jangan melatah. Itu namanya, padan muka.

the song that goes "sha la la la la"

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday...

Positive message. He's an optimist. While I'm a skeptic, a pessimist. Always am. Maybe I should write that in my Twitter's profile.

Sigh.

Kena usaha lagi.

Because I suffered yet another disappointment. Let's move on, anyway. Because that's what live is all about; moving on.

No crying, big girl. No crying. Even when your heart is shattered into million little pieces.

saying i love youuuu...

Note: This is an afterthought, or maybe, a continuum of this post.

I was looking at a magazine recently, a magazine called Inspirasi Perkahwinan. I was leafing through it when Hubster came back from his hunt for a football shoe. So then I arrived at this one page.

Mengapa Lelaki Berkahwin? (Why Men Got Married)

The title read. Amused, I read on. I think I arrived at reason #6 on why men got married when I turned to Hubster and showed the page to him.

"Abang yang ni eh?" I said jokingly while pointing at #6. Hubster read for a minute and shook his head.

"Bukan. Abang yang ni," Hubster pointed at reason #1. I smiled. He grinned. Oh, he didn't know how much his answer meant for me. Truth be told, I didn't care, really, on whichever reason he pointed at. I was joking, after all. But when he pointed to #1, it felt... good. It felt really really good.

#6 Bosan (Bored)

#1 Saling Melengkapi (Completes each other)

See why I went all gooey? He was saying that I complete him, and he completes me. Awwww...

In more ways than one, yes, we complete each other. And I'd rather think that we complement each other just nicely so. We balanced each other's traits quite nicely, too. Our good, our bad, we accept each other just the way it is. And we tolerate each other.

You see, my husband is an affectionate man. He's never stingy with words. Words like "Sayang isteri abang sangat-sangat" or "Comel la isteri abang ni". I hear those words on daily basis. And yes, I feel blessed and loved and grateful for such affections. Who won't want to hear those words coming from the person they love? I consider myself to be one of the luckiest women on earth right now.

But can my husband say the same thing about me?

No, I'm afraid not. While he is more open in expressing his love, I'm more reserved. It's not often that I utter my affection to him. It's not often that I express my love verbally towards him. And I realized, I'm not being fair. He's my husband, after all. Why am I being so reserved and modest with my own man? Hugs and kisses are different things. To me at least. Words, when spoken, gives a whole new perspective to what we try to express.

Why? I ask myself. Why am I so kedekut to say "I love you" to my husband? Even when there are only the two of us?

To some people, words means nil. Maybe. But for some others, words can mean a lot. To me, Hubster saying he loves me is like a magic potion that keeps me happy and content. I want Hubster to feel the same way as I do, too. And I'm gonna try and say the 'L' word as often as I can. Because I do love him. I really do. So much.

And I hope he's not gonna read this. Malu!!!

getting back on track

I've started reading regularly again. It's not that I give reading a complete dismissal. It's just that I kinda give chick lits a wide berth since a few that I read let me down completely.

Wait.

I'm probably getting old. Oh, dang!

One of my favorite authors is Nora Roberts. But I think I've been reading way too much of Roberts' novels that each and every novel becomes a tad bit too predictable to me. Sad. It's no fun anymore reading her novels. Instead, I go back to the earlier novels written by Roberts, the ones that are not very sappy or romantic-comedy-chick-flick influenced.

Before, I thought Nicholas Sparks is boring. Really I did. I fell asleep reading the first two pages of Message in The Bottle. Twice. After that, I just gave up. Then, I saw one of Sparks' novels on my sister's bookshelf. Oh, what the heck, I thought, I'll give it a try. And surprise, surprise, it was such a pleasant read. Emotional, but pleasant. I did cry reading the book.

Review here

I read 23 books last year, seven short of my intended target. So this year, I aim a bit less - 20 books. Done with 5 books, though, which is quite an achievement for me. Hahaha!

A screenshot from my Goodreads page

Out of all 5 books, only one impresses me so far - Matthew Reilly's Scarecrow. It's thrilling, it's adventurous and somewhat brutal. Others, even the Nicholas Sparks' one, are rather disappointing. I told you I'm getting old.

Looks like I'm getting right back on track with my reading. Yay!

Let's see if I can get right back on track with my blogging, eh?

cry like a little girl

Cry...

if you want, if you can

For tears can lighten the pain inside your heart

For tears is the expression worth expressing

Tears is the balm to the hurting soul

Tears is the testament to your feelings

Cry...

As many as you want to

But remember...

Remember that tears will dry

Pain will heal

Time will mend certain things

After everything is done,

you'll be smiling again.

So cry...

Cry like a little girl

Cry like a newborn baby

Cry like it is worth every tears

Cry...

Source

here, there and everywhere

I can't sleep. It happens too often these days, I just don't care anymore. Hence, here I am, typing away like it's 2.30 in the afternoon instead of 2.30 early morning.

Recently, when I was in Terengganu, lepaking with the in-laws, I happened to browse through my old posts. Those old junks back when I used to rant a lot. I mean, a lot. Those were the days when I did not limit myself to just 140 characters. Those were the days when I took time composing every single word carefully and rather passionately. Looking back, I realized how much I miss blogging. Yep, I miss it. Pretty weird, eh? Since I update this blog not as often as I would like to. But, hey, here I am, telling those who still care to read that I am still up to blogging. I won't stop. Not yet, anyway.

Phew. Got that out.

Now, let's talk about life. I'll go first, 'kay? I've been married for... hold on a sec, let me count first. Let's see...

Okay, I've been married for almost 6 months now. Still young. Still got a looooooooongggg way to go. But guess what? People are already asking about the 'good news'. Like the single purpose of getting married is to breed and breed only. Come on, people! Entering the world of marriage alone is challenging enough. We're still trying to build some sort of stability here. And anyway, it's not like we can demand the so-called 'new member' right on the spot. It is up to Allah, whether to present us with such blessing. If Allah thinks that we're not ready yet, then so be it. Don't force things that are not of our own accord. Kalau ada rezeki, Alhamdulillah. If not, then we won't complain. It is not for us to decide, remember that. We can try and try and plan, but it is Allah's will that will make anything happen.

Phew. Got that out, too. Productive rambling.

So another cousin is getting married this coming Saturday. One by one, the third generation of Tok Jah's family is getting hitched. That means the family is expanding. Yeay! The more the merrier, they said. So I'm definitely looking forward to the next Aidilfitri. I miss this year's celebration on my side of the family as I celebrated it with Hubster's family. Yes, definitely looking forward to next year. And let's see if we'll have any other additional 'new member' next year. Yes, let's wait and see, shall we.

I'm running out of words now. So I'll stop here. For now. For now, my friends, I bid you adieu.

it's not much, but...

So... how's your Ramadhan so far? Mine is a whole lot different this year as I now have a husband to look after, instead of jaga my own perut me, myself and I. A whole lot of responsibilities, alright, but Alhamdulillah, I'm taking it all in a stride. Hubster's been very understanding, despite my 'unusual' working hours. He's a very patient man, that man of mine.

Cooking for Hubster, it can be pretty daunting. I have this little uncertainty niggling that my cooking is not up to Hubster's par. So far, though, it's good. Hubster's not the fussy type. A simple dude. Nasi dengan ikan goreng saja pun jalan. What a lucky girl I am, yes?

Guess that is all for now. I leave you with this...

Salam Ramadhan al - Mubarak, my friends!

i honestly can't remember

I have my bad days. And good days. But I honestly can't remember anything much besides the impending wedding. Much things need to be done. Tapi dok terhegeh-hegeh cenggitu jugakla, ye dak?

Someone asked me recently, "Are you happy now?"

Well, what can I say, my friend? Happiness is subjective. As a normal human being, I can never be satisfied with my life. But you know what? I am happy. As of this moment, at the time I'm typing away (which is 3:15AM, by the way), I searched deep within myself, I honestly cannot find the reason to be unhappy. And for that, I thank Allah. You have to search for your own happiness, no? Do you really have time to be unhappy? I don't. I refuse to. My emo days are over. Well, at least if it's not that time of the month, y'know?

 Funny thing to ask, by the way, don't you think?

And just so you know, I don't miss my old life. Water under the bridge. I'm looking forward to the future. With this, I leave thee. Don't expect anything soon.

2011: lukisan yang berwarna-warni

Sedar tak sedar, mahu tak mahu, tahun 2011 sudah hampir sampai ke penghujung. Whew. Sekejap aje aku rasa tahun 2011 ni. Kalaulah nak dilukis tahun ini dalam hidup aku, pastinya akan jadi satu lukisan yang penuh berwarna-warni. Macam-macam yang terjadi dalam tahun 2011 ni. Ada suka, ada duka, ada naiknya, ada turunnya. Tapi Alhamdulillah, aku masih berdiri di sini.

Tahun 2011 juga mencatatkan pelbagai peristiwa penting untuk diri aku sendiri. Ahhh... bakal jadi nostalgik angka 2011 ini. Suatu masa nanti, kalau aku toleh kembali ke belakang, pasti tahun 2011 akan jadi satu tahun yang tersemat kemas dalam lipatan kenangan.

Cabut gigi...

Lama tak berkunjung ke klinik pergigian, aku terpaksa pergi jugak sebab tak tahan menanggung sakit. Cabut gigi macam rasa masuk bilik hukuman gantung. Ngeri. Ye, aku dramatik. Aku takut dengan doktor gigi, okey? Gelak apa gelak? Tumbuk kang! Walaupun aku selamat melalui pengalaman-hampir-mati tu, aku tak teringin nak mengulanginya dalam masa terdekat ni. Lain kali ajelah ye aku pergi jumpa doktor gigi. 2013 ke...

Baby Aliff...

Bila sebut nama Aliff, aku rasa sebak, sedih. Aku kenal Baby Aliff sekitar Oktober 2010. Aku jatuh sayang dengan budak kecik tu. Aku nak jadi pelindung Baby Aliff dari segala hal yang buruk. Aku nak tengok Aliff membesar dengan baik. Aku nak buat macam-macam benda untuk Baby Aliff. Tapi takdir menentukan yang Baby Aliff akan berlalu dari hidup aku. Kerana manusia tak sempurna. Walaupun aku tak jumpa Baby Aliff lagi, aku sentiasa doakan kesejahteraan dia.

Baby Aliff ada satu tempat yang tersangat istimewa di hati aku. Sampai saat sekarang, aku masih teringatkan budak kecik tu. Sampai sekarang, aku masih rindukan Baby Aliff. Semoga dia gembira dan sihat sejahtera di samping ibu tersayang. Terima kasih, Puan Mastura, sebab benarkan Baby Aliff hadir dalam hidup kami, walau cuma untuk seketika.

Bertunang...

Masin mulut adik-adik aku, tahu? Masin. Nak dekat hujung bulan Ramadhan, adik aku kata tahun depan aku tak beraya di Kedah dah. Aku beraya dengan keluarga baru. Termakbul doa diorang. Tahun 2011, aku jadi tunangan orang. Tahun 2012, insya-Allah, jadi isteri orang pulak. Mak nervous, noks. Tak pasti sama ada betul-betul dah sedia nak pegang status isteri ke belum. Tapi kalau nak tunggu sedia, sampai kiamat pun belum tentu lagi sedia, ye dak?

Walaupun bertunang mengejut, aku tetap happy. Aku dah jumpa Mr. Right. Aku dah jumpa seseorang yang bahunya sedia berkhidmat untuk aku tanpa banyak soal. Terima kasih, Encik Tunang, kerana menerima diri ini seadanya. Semoga kebahagiaan ini kekal hendaknya. Insya-Allah...

Kehilangan...

Tragedi. Aku kehilangan seorang sahabat. Seorang sahabat yang banyak melukis kenangan indah bersama aku. Seorang sahabat yang aku sentiasa doakan kebahagiannya. Dia pergi tanpa pesan. Dia tinggalkan keluarga, dia tinggalkan suami yang tak sampai enam bulan dinikahi, dia pergi tinggalkan teman-teman yang teramat menyayanginya, dia pergi tinggalkan segala-galanya untuk menghadap Penciptanya. Setiap kali namanya terngiang di telinga, hati aku jadi sebu. Cepat benar kau pergi, Sheila... Al-Fatihah aku hadiahkan untukmu setiap kali aku teringatkan saat kita bersama. Kau tenanglah di sana, wahai sahabat.

Tukar kerja...

Akhirnya, aku beranikan diri keluar dari zon selesa. Akhirnya, aku mengambil keputusan muktamad untuk berhenti dari kerja aku sekarang dan langsung menukar haluan aku. Setelah tiga tahun menghadapi kerenah manusia dewasa yang pelbagai, aku bakal menghadapi kerenah anak-anak kecil. Kesabaran perlu tinggi. Takpe, training untuk masa depan tu. Eh? Ehehehe.

Itu serba sedikit tahun 2011 aku. Banyak lagi sebenarnya yang berlaku. Tapi takkan nak cerita semua kat sini, kan? Tak muat la oi. Kalau nak tau sepintas lalu, scroll ajelah kat toolbar Junkyard kat sebelah kanan tu.

Ini penutup posting untuk 2011. Kita jumpa lagi tahun depan. Selamat tahun baru, kawan-kawan.

day 1 - big fight

Sometimes, it's easier to feel unhappy rather than vice versa. It's easier to forget the good times and remember the hard times. It's easier to give up than just fight. It's easier to lost track of everything than keeping your life on the right lane. It's easier to just not do anything at all.

But then, that's not life. That's not how we're suppose to go on. We fall, we lose, we suffer. But that doesn't mean life will stop at that. We fall, we get back up. No matter how long it will take, we will get up. We might scraped ourselves by falling down but it will heal in time. We lose, we learn from it again and again. We suffer, but always not for long. We find hope. We find strength. We find courage.

The process of changing, turning your life around is never easy. It's a bumpy road to travel through. Challenges will come your way. Patience and faith will be tested

...

....

.....

......

What crap. I want a Big Mac, with fries and Coke. I want Secret Recipe's chocolate brownies topped with vanilla ice-cream. I want pizza and chicken lasagna from Domino's. I want KFC's Hot & Spicy chicken. I want a plate of nasi lemak with chicken rendang.

But most of all, I want to look good for myself. So I will prevail. I will fight the temptation. I will succeed.

And maybe, I should stop watching Food Network.

bersyukurlah!

Kata orang, bersyukurlah dengan apa yang kita ada.
Kata orang, bersyukurlah dengan keadaan kita seadanya.
Pendek kata, kata orang, bersyukurlah wahai umat manusia oi!

Aku bukan orang tak tau bersyukur. Aku ada rumah untuk didiami, ada baju untuk dipakai, ada kereta Mama nak tumpang pergi kerja tiap-tiap hari, ada laptop sendiri untuk memblog benda-benda mengarut seperti ni, dan walaupun gemuk dan rabun, aku tak tergolong dalam golongan OKU. Alhamdulillah. Aku antara manusia yang boleh dikatakan bertuah jugakla di muka bumi ni.

Ya, aku tahu bersyukur. Tapi kadang-kadang, harus diingat, dengan menerima keadaan kita seadanya sahaja, manusia bisa jadi complacent. Tahu apa tu complacent? Okey, jom kita try google translate tengok apa maksud complacent:

Complacent = berpuas hati. Senang cerita, complacent ni bermakna senang sangat berpuas hati. Aku sebenarnya spesis yang complacent jugak. Aku buat kerja yang sama dah tiga tahun lebih. Aku tak pernah terfikir nak tukar kerja. Sampailah ke bulan lepas. 

Aku buat semua kerja. Tapi gaji aku adalah sangat ciput. Nampak macam tak bersyukur kan? Macam ni lah, bayangkan situasi aku. Aku buat semua kerja kat ofis aku. Dari buat quotation ke tulis cek, dari beli alat tulis ke kemas ofis. Semua aku buat. Sebab aku staf tunggal kat ofis. Takdek orang lain dah kerja sini kecuali aku dengan bos. Jadi kalau ada kesilapan, ada benda yang tak kena, siapa yang kena marah? Cuba teka, cuba teka. Pandaiii...

Kadang - kadang aku kerja sampai 9 malam. Selalu aku kerja lebih dari masa yang sepatutnya. Aku tak pernah dapat OT. Aku ulang, tak pernah dapat OT. Ada orang, bila tau aku masih di ofis pukul 8 malam, kemain galak lagi kata aku kaya, banyak OT. Dan selalunya aku berdoa dalam hati, semoga masin mulut kalian ni. Esok lusa boleh aku pecat bos sendiri sambil buat gaya Donald Trump, "You're fired!"

Pagi ni, bila bangun tidur, aku rasa sangat-sangat depressed. Sangat. Aku jenis yang tak layan Isnin yang biru. Aku jarang terkena penyakit Isnin yang biru. Tapi pagi ni, aku rasa sangat berat nak kerja. Aku datang kerja dengan hati yang tak gembira, dengan semangat yang pudar. Agaknya, bekalan semangat dan kesabaran aku dah nak kehabisan dikikis masa. Aku rasa sangat penat. Sangat.

Mungkin aku tak bersyukur. Ada kerja, ada pendapatan. Tapi cubalah letak diri korang pulak kat tempat kat aku. Kalau korang tak tertekan dalam masa seminggu atau sebulan buat apa yang aku buat dengan bayaran yang aku dapat, tolonglah gantikan tempat aku. Pleaseeeeeee....

KTM: the never-ending story

Look, I've been using KTM Komuter for as long as I can remember. And as long as I can remember, the word 'delay' is rather synonym with KTM Komuter. Seriously. How many of us KL-ites have experienced KTM's 'efficiency' in terms of the on-time performance? On Fridays, especially, the service goes from worst to horrifying. You don't even wanna know what happen when it rains. You'll spit in disgust, believe me. What are they doing, I have no idea, since the service never improved since... I don't know... forever?

And then, come the news. They're replacing the old coaches with new ones. The SCS (six-car set) is said to make its debut this December. 38 sets for six coaches. Here's a sneak peek at the SCS:

Source

Honestly, I don't have any complaints about the current coaches they're using. Most of the time, they're decent and comfortable. Yes, sometimes the air-conditioner doesn't work but that is, to me, minor problem. The issue here, the main point is, the constant delay. Constant as in every single day. Yes. Every. Single. Day. Even on the weekends, early morning, when people are not working and the crowd is considerably lesser than that of weekdays. Why is that? It is simply unacceptable.

Don't talk about the new coaches. Let's talk about your efficiency, or lack of it, KTM. Just how many people are late to work and just how many people got home after dinner because of your constant delay? Your service is an utter embarrassment to the people of Malaysia. Seriously. And don't go saying that if we don't like your service, we can take our asses to other mode of transportation or buy our own car. Some of us do not have the option or the luxury to do so.

And you, the users, be considerate, will ya? Other people queued up at the right line for hours and some of you brainless morons just come and stand in the middle of the line like a fucking boss. For example, this lady:

This kind of attitude pissed me off more than KTM's delay. People queued up for hours, along the correct line and you just come up, with your fucking innocent face and just stood there in the middle? Be thankful I didn't shove your ass off the platform, lady. Now all you people do not do this. Yes, I understand we're all trying to get somewhere as soon as possible, but this kind of attitude is a big NO-NO. Like I say, be considerate.

And should you're able to avoid using KTM Komuter, avoid it all cost. Honestly.

how i met him

I know some of my friends were initially shocked when I announce my engagement. Without one single hint that I'm in a relationship with anyone, I dropped the engagement bomb. Even some of my relatives were surprised. My, my, what mystery, eh? I'm willing to bet that some of my readers are also surprised with the announcement, eh?

The truth is, after years of miserable relationship that failed, I kinda don't want to jinx this one. I kept it mostly to myself. But my sisters know about him once we started to get close. Well, you can't hide anything from your sisters, y'know. That's the rule in the family. It's enough that they know about him. I did not want the whole world to know. Yet. But even though it's out now I'm now tied to a man, most people still do not know him. Well, let just keep it that way, at least until the day I got married to him.

I've known him for years, this man. Years that I lost count of. We started off as casual friends, nothing major. He's the type who like to tease, kid around, whereas I was an over-sensitive, emotional sort at that time. Lots of time, I would just stop speaking to him and ignore him. I deleted him from my Yahoo! contacts far too many times. We shared nothing special at that time. We were, in a way, strangers. And after some time, we just stopped contacting each other. I was, of course, occupied with the other guys in my life.

And then one day, I saw a friend request from him in Facebook. Without thinking too much, I just approved the request. But still, we kept it casual, simple even. We said "Hi" to each other few times and that was about it. Then last year, after breaking up with my then boyfriend, I decided to catch a movie. And he offered to accompany me. I realized I was on the rebound, I was heart-broken and I swore to steer clear off men for a while. He wasn't aware of that fact. We went for the movie, anyway. Just the two of us. I couldn't even remember which movie did we saw that very first time.

And after that, we just sorta clicked. One movie after another, which led to dinner. Which led to many other things. Mizz Nina's album launch, the i-City trip, countless movies... and one day, he brought me to meet his colleagues. It kinda stopped me in my track and got me thinking, "Are we really serious?". The answer wasn't that hard to find. He makes me laugh all the time, he takes good care of me, he never raises his voice to me, he criticizes in a gentle way, he's affectionate. Who am I kidding, really? We are serious. We have feelings for each other. It caught me off guard at first, but it felt right. It felt wonderful. It still feels wonderful.

And so here we are now, engaged to each other. And pretty much in love. A year in a relationship, yes, it's young, it's fragile. But I do believe that what we have is strong. He sorta keeps me anchored, reminding me what's important in life. He keeps a clear head while mine is one big, jumbled mess. See, we're just great for each other. We may or may not know each other very well. But hey, God's willing, we will have a lifetime to figure out each other. In the meantime, we'll take it one day at at a time.

Wish us all the very best.

this what surreal feels like

Alright. Most of you probably know about this already. I'm engaged. Yes, I am. I got engaged last Saturday, on the 10th of September. I kept the relationship to myself mostly and my family as previous relationships failed miserably. I want this one to work. And Alhamdulillah, it works fine so far. And I am officially engaged.

The rings.

So according to the elders, the engagement will go on, more or less, for about a year. In the meantime, we're to prepare for the Big Day. I'm sorry, I don't have much pictures to show off here as the engagement came as a surprise on that day. We're not very prepared. But thankfully, everything went off smoothly. We got engaged, nevertheless. And for me, it still feels a bit surreal. I'm still trying to digest the fact that I am now engaged to be married. For a year. Or less! Phew. It's quite overwhelming, to be honest. But I'm taking it all in a stride.

So now, a lot of things to be done. A year will go by in a blink, trust me. I'm getting married. Who could've believe that, eh? Even I, myself is having a hard time to believe it. Me, getting married? Oh wow. Wow. This is... this is... unreal. Gotta get used to it, no? Dang, I'm feeling nervous already. Deep breath, everyone, deep breath. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Right.

Okay.

I still can't believe I'm engaged. And I'm getting married. Phew.

just enjoy the show

Approximately two weeks to go before Raya. So how's the preparation coming along? Excited yet? Raya songs are being played on daily basis on local radio stations now that Raya is only two weeks away, feeding the Raya mood. Even the folks on Twitter are twittering away with Raya-themed hashtags.

As for me, well... maybe I'm getting old. Maybe. I don't feel like celebrating. Maybe it's tad too early? I dunno. Time will tell. The only thing I'm feeling great about is the chance to break away from work, from the office. One week without work? Pure bliss, I tell you. No waking up early in the morning. No primping yourself up for work. No dealing with KTM's crappy schedule. And most importantly, no drama (my Twitter followers will surely know what I'm talking about).

Another thing to look forward to, meeting my cousins and aunts and uncles. There will always be good times. The jokes, the laughter, the endless teasing... just good times. And some of my cousins are celebrating their Raya for the first time with their spouses. Now that is new. Additional family members. More good times ahead? Hopefully.

In the meantime, this little dude will be sorely missed...

Baby Aliff

My dear Aliff, now that it will be difficult to see you, please grow up strong and good. The lives and hearts you've touched, we will all be praying for you. We will forget you not, my dear boy. Miss you, we will but in our hearts, you will forever live. Take care, little dude. I really do love you so much.

big plans

People said, everything goes with money. Hard to argue really. In this world today, money is the universal language. No money, no talk. Easy. Simple.

But is it, really?

I have plans. Big plans. For the future. My future. And it is definitely not simple.

Wish me luck.

a fresh start

I'm tired already of the black background. Looked gloomy enough to prompt me to change to this new layout. How do you like the new layout, folks? It's provided by Blogger, by the way. Nothing fancy.

So what's been up? Nothing, really, to be honest. Had a bad case of flu recently. Which got the boss sending me home early on Monday and me taking the day off on Tuesday. Still stuck with the flu, but recovering bit by bit. I still eat ice cream, though. 

We all scream for ice cream!

Bad, bad, bad. I know. I couldn't sleep last night because of the coughing. Padan muka! Fine, no more ice cream after this. 

Yeah, like you would believe that for a second.

Anyways, on to the other news; Mama's going for her umrah end of this month. So we will be without her for two weeks. How are we suppose to hold the fort for two weeks, eh? I just hope we can manage. Hope. I think we'll manage. I mean, most of us are qualified grown-ups, right? Right? Riiiighhht. See, I'm rolling my eyes right now as I'm typing this.

A cousin got married this week. Selamat pengantin baru to my cousin, Nur Adila and husband, whom I only know as Wan. Sorry I could not make it to the wedding. Work. And of course, suddenly got the flu bug. *Sniff*

What else to tell? Oh yeah. The 30 days book meme will resume after this, worry not. Reading is a good way to fill the gap of human companionship, you know? At least I won't have any fight with books. I'm just saying.

And I'll just stop now before I rant some more.

angkat, tolak, masuk... kenyang!

Ini ialah posting secara rawak. Tiada tujuan spesifik. Cuma aku rasa bersalah apabila minggu lepas aku memblog secara rakus, tapi minggu ni aku membisu. Minggu ini, ini posting pertama. Tak cool, beb, tak cool. Tapi kalau minggu depan, atau mungkin bulan depan blog kembali sunyi, salahkan Twitter. Serius. Facebook pun sudah hilang keseksiannya. Itu memang serius.

Serupa seperti seorang jurugambar yang aku kenal, aku pun mencari bahan-bahan yang menarik untuk menjadi tatapan mata aku dan mata korang bila buka blog yang tak semenggah ni. Aku pun jadi seorang poseur. Poseur blogger dan jurugambar. Kenyataanya, lagi banyak gambar, lebih sedap mata memandang.

Tak gitu, wahai Cik Jurugambar?

Seronok tahu, berjalan-jalan di sekitar kotarayaku, tengok gelagat orang. Lama tak menjejak kaki di sekitar Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman. Aku dah graduate dari Jalan TAR ke Mid Valley. Aku bukan seorang pemandu. Aku bergantung harap pada KTM Komuter, walaupun sebenarnya KTM Komuter suka memberi harapan penuh kepalsuan pada orang kebanyakan macam aku.

Jalan-jalan di Jalan TAR, aku telah menetapkan satu destinasi. Itu pun setelah disogok dengan kata-kata indah dari penduduk Twitterjaya. Macam kena hipnotis. Maka minda dah termaktub, nak cari Restoran Kudu. Nak makan nasi di Kudu. Ada cerita kelakar, tahu? Ceritanya, naik teksi dari Semua House nak ke Kudu yang jaraknya adala dalam tujuh minit berjalan kaki dari Sogo. Macam diperbodohkan dengan alam semesta.

Semata-mata nak makan nasi kandar ini.

Apa aku boleh kata? Orgasmik. Nasi kandar dengan lauk sotong, campuran kuah kari, bendi rebus/celur, telur asin, sayur kobis dan keriak-keriuk papadom bergabung lalu meletup. Aku rasa macam sebulan tak makan nasi bila makan nasi kandar di Kudu. Terharu. Cik Jurugambar, jangan cerita. Sekali suap, dia macam dicium Francesco Carrozzini.

Sudahlah hujan turun renyai-renyai petang tu. Lepas pekena nasi kandar yang orgasmik, kena berjalan demi untuk mengelakkan rasa nak tidur di tengah-tengah jalan. Hujan. Jalan. Tahu apa yang sedap? Kopi. Sumpah tekak terus terloncat-loncat kegembiraan bilamana imej kopi panas terlukis di otak. Dari kejauhan sudah ternampak Starbucks. Oh. Jalan dulu, wei, bagi turun nasi!

Dasar elitis! Macam kedai kopi lain takde kopi panas. Pada Yahudi juga duit ditabur, kan?

Oops. Jangan ada punggung yang terluka, ya?

Alkisahnya, aku bertemu 'seseorang' pada hari itu. Mujur di siang hari. Kalau di malam hari? Mungkin aku pengsan dulu sebelum sempat butang kamera ditekan. Tapi di siang hari pun macam gampang juga, tahu? Efek 'pakaian' beliau... terlalu kuat. Imaginasi aku, macam ditekan-tekan untuk bermain. Pelbagai senario terbayang dalam kepala otak aku.

Kalau 'dia' muncul di malam hari di sebelah katil aku, lalu bagaimana? Rasa aku, nak menjerit pun lidah dah kelu. Hanya mampu main mata, mungkin. Tu pun kalau 'dia' ada mata. Celaka. Sekarang aku dah rasa seram.

Ah. Perlu aku ingatkan di sini, semalam hari lahir aku. Yang ke-26. Aku tak tipu. Aku dah 26 tahun, bukan 15 atau 17 tahun atau pun 23 tahun seperti yang digembar-gemburkan sesetengah pihak. Kembang-kempis hidung aku pun, aku tetap takkan menafikan umur aku. Bisa aja kalau kalian tetap berkeras dengan kenyataan kalian bahawa umur aku adalah 15, 17 atau 23 tahun. Forever young.

Aku Along. Dia Angah. Hakikatnya, umur aku dengan dia tak sampai setahun beza pun.

Aku harap ada orang bagi buku ni sebagai hadiah pada aku. Aku nak baca. Persetankan apa kata orang.

Ahhhhhh. Hidup ini kadang-kala terasa manisnya. Lagi-lagi bila diberi perhatian pada hari lahir sendiri, kan? Tapi jujurnya, aku sudah rasa sedikit tua. Aku sudah rasa dunia sedikit berubah paksinya. Bukan sebab gempa bumi itu. Dunia aku. Apa, kalau dunia ini berubah paksi, korang ada perasan ke? Korang ada kisah? Tak, kan? Jangan nak tipu. Janji korang boleh log in Facebook, dah cukup. Oops. Jangan terluka punggung lagi. Aku bergurau. Dengan sinis.

Hidup ini, kadang-kala manis. Macam Creme Brulee ni. Nikmati ia selagi mampu.